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July 30th, 2005

10:04 pm - just got off work, i smell like a cigarette SOOOOOOOOO whats up? work was slow, and not just slow but like really, very, slow. and that sucked and these past couple of days haven't gone how i want them to. not like there was some sort of plan that i had or anything but it has just been a big fat waste of summer break. grace isn't a cute little sister any more, this stinks. shes getting way to big to pick up and shes a little snot that can talk back, quite well actually. shes driving me insane and makes me want to get out of the house. i'm cleaning out my desk tonight i'm going to pick out something cute to wear to chicago and then play with the new cat we ended up with, (long story short about the cat, the neighbors took it in and then the husband of the household said he wouldn't tollerate a stray cat in his home and yadda yadda yadda we have a cat now) i haven't named the cat yet, so i'm just calling her, cat. she is very snuggly. and i love her. lately, i'm OBSESSED with fashion magazines and watching "top model". i don't know why that is either. i like looking at clothes that are ridiculously expensive and the people that can wear them, it's a lot of fun. i get my paycheck tomorrow!!! YEAH!!! hopefully next year when i'm finally old enough i'll be working up front at the bar, i want those tips. the kitchen is fine but its not a bartender. i love the golf course. Current Mood: call me

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July 28th, 2005

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July 20th, 2005

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July 7th, 2005

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July 4th, 2005

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May 27th, 2005

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May 22nd, 2005

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May 17th, 2005

10:26 pm - these next two weeks need to be done and over... so much to do, i think everyone can relate. i built a little air plane tonight for physics and it looks really sweet but it won't fly... i don't care. so after i tested it and it didn't i was like, uhhh... and left the room. actually it is still sitting on the floor where i left it and will probably stay there until i get some motivation to go pick it up and figure out whats up. ~alright prom was the best night of the year, no doubt. i had an amazing time, i hope all of you did too. swing dancing was awesome. i was talking to justin today and he said that shelby will be coming to youth group every other week with emily because he has leadership for oasis. sounds like it's going to be a fun summer. lots of camp outs this year. ~i dont' even want to talk about school, i am really really really ready for senior year. ~i've made so many friends in the last week that all are super sweet and i'm lovin it ~cheerleading tryouts are friday, i'm pretty sure none of those girls want me on the squad. oh well. if it gets to be terrible i'll quit and be a brat about it. not really, i'll suck it up and not say anything and just be thankful when its over, but whatever ~kurt likes to golf when i work i've found. wouldn't surprise me if he tried to figure out when i'm working to avoid me, he definatly wouldn't even look at me when i ran into him, thats alright though. it actually didn't bother me and i just went back to work, i should start trying to get some good sleep, i downloaded prom pictures tonight on my photo album on yahoo if anyone wants to see them, they turned out pretty good! NIGHT Current Mood: content

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May 16th, 2005

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May 11th, 2005

10:50 pm awesome awesome awesome night wow i am really tired but not sleepy, to much on my mind its crazy, but the good news is that all the hard stuff with school is over and i just need to focus on having a really awesome time at prom with my friends who i really love tonight Current Mood: thankful

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May 8th, 2005

07:54 pm - "doesn't concern you, even as much as you want it to." there's two big boxes of him just sitting in the middle of my room right now. what do i do with that? pictures, papers, journals i won't let myself read any more, things i wore that make me think of him... so what now? it was all stuff that i didn't even realize was there, pictures that had been on the wall for so long that i didn't stop to look any more. but lately i've stopped and starting looking again and i saw a lot of him all over the rooma nd in about three minutes my walls were bare and there wasn't anything on the vanity. even things that didn't have to do with him still made me think of him so it all went to the box. i was read the story and the book of poetry he gave me. i know it was for a writers workshop class but it was still very beautiful and very real. he was a lot smarter than i gave him credit for, maybe he still is. "Neither could imagine living without the other. Life had thrown many curveballs to those two in their lives. They never let it discourage them though. When a person is down in the dirt, feeling as low as possible, not even deserving to feel. That is when they find out who they really are. Life can be difficult sometimes. Those darn curveballs always seem to get you once in a while. You just have to stand in a little closer to the plate next time. Every chance, every experiance, every opportunity could be your home run." He wrote a story about us, it was everything we both wanted. we believed in second chances and starting over and all that. that was the happy ending he had concluded our relationship to be. something it very well would have been. we really loved each other and i'm only startin it's so ridiculous how much i still think about what went wrong. and it never gets old. every time, it never failed, EVERY time i tried to talk to him i completly blew it. couldn't have been worse. so we left it at a terrible ending. i can't say i didn't try to fix that though, i guess. there is more i could have done. a lot more. but i was scared and all that confidence he fell in love with went out the window. no matter how much i wanted to i couldn't get him to hear what i wanted to say, or how i felt. but it doesn't matter today and it won't tomorrow. but there is to much to try to forget. so pretending like it never happend isn't an option. so i write. i write here, i write in my journal, like putting anything on paper helps. unless he could read it and WANT to read it. and i could be around him without being ashamed, that would all be very nice and wonderful but really, it can't happen no matter how far i push. i hadn't looked at his picture in a couple months, and i did today. and after today i won't for a very long time because its all going into storage somewhere, the ring, the poems, the glass flowers. its all getting out of sight and out of mind, and thats honestly only because thats what he wants. so how far does that get me? Current Mood: drained

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May 7th, 2005

12:08 am - Eureka had a good time, having a crazy week that started out terrible, like really really bad, and now its friday night after i just got home and i'm in this really unfamiliar GREAT mood. well tonight was a good night, the best part about it though i have to say is when i got pulled over just outside of eureka.. it was hysterical! this cop clocked me at 71 (remember the car i'm driving does NOT have a spedometer) so i explained to the cop that i didn't know how fast i was going and that i was very sorry.. so chelsea, paige, kailey and i are sitting there waiting to see what happends, and the cop comes back all embarressed cause i guess he knows my dad and he was like trying to make a joke out of it and i half way felt bad about it and i really deserved at least a warning, but hey i'm not complaining. anyways after the cop left we all started laughing so hard i couldn't drive, it was a good night. met a lot of people from all over and that was good because i don't know anyone outside of bloomington. so that was lots of fun and we watched a waste of time movie, run ronnie run... or something like that? i dunno it was a waste of an hour and a half of my life, wasn't a good movie to watch with people you didn't know well. SOOOOOO theres lots to do tomorrow, i have to get flowers for shelby and i.. i have to get my hair cut and tan, i'm all tanned out. and drop of a camera to get it developed. ugghhh. oh yeah and i am totally cleaning out my room of all sorts of clutter that wont' let me forget certain things and events and i think some girls are going to come over and help me out on that because it might be harder than i think. it will be good to box up old pictures and cards and things that are still on my wall because they only make me sad. so maybe this camera i drop off tomorrow can replace those pictures, good idea. girls make little things into an all day event. hmm. need to call shelby on sunday night and get everything figured out, he wants to hang out this week sometime with landre and markus and i'm super excited about that!!!! he seems like such a great guy and i'm pumped to finally have a date. had a really good talk with andy and nick the other night and got some things on the way to being sorted out. i think i need to get to know some of the other adults at youth group because i always feel better after kinda venting to them. LeAnn would be good to get to know especially since she has that girls group that meets.. something to think about Current Mood: bouncy

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12:08 am - Eureka had a good time, having a crazy week that started out terrible, like really really bad, and now its friday night after i just got home and i'm in this really unfamilar GREAT mood. well tonight was a good night, the best part about it though i have to say is when i got pulled over just outside of eureka.. it was histarical! this cop clocked me at 71 (remember the car i'm driving does NOT have a spedometer) so i explained to the cop that i didn't know how fast i was going and that i was very sorry.. so chelsea, paige, kailey and i are sitting there waiting to see what happends, and the cop comes back all embarrest cause i guess he knows my dad and he was like trying to make a joke out of it and i half way felt bad about it and deserved at least a warning, but hey i'm not complaining. anyways after the cop left we all started laughing so hard i couldn't drive, it was a good night. met a lot of people from all over and that was good because i don't know anyone outside of bloomington. so that was lots of fun and we watched a waste of time movie, run ronnie run... or something like that? i dunno it was a waste of an hour and a half of my life, wasn't a good movie to watch with people you didn't know well. SOOOOOO theres lots to do tomorrow, i have to get flowers for shelby and i.. i have to get my hair cut and tan, i'm all tanned out. and drop of a camera to get it developed. ugghhh. oh yeah and i am totally cleaning out my room of all sorts of clutter that wont' let me forget certain things and events and i think some girls are going to come over and help me out on that because it might be harder than i think. it will be good to box up old pictures and cards and things that are still on my wall because they only make me sad. so maybe this camera i drop off tomorrow can replace those pictures, good idea. girls make little things into an all day event. hmm. need to call shelby on sunday night and get everything figured out, he wants to hang out this week sometime with landre and markus and i'm super excited about that!!!! he seems like such a great guy and i'm pumped to finally have a date. had a really good talk with andy and nick the other night and got some things on the way to being sorted out. i think i need to get to know some of the other adults at youth group because i always feel better after kinda venting to them. LeAnn would be good to get to know especially since she has that girls group that meets.. something to think about Current Mood: bouncy

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May 2nd, 2005

09:24 pm - bad day i talked to my mom about prom and she told me i didn't have to go if i didn't want to. but then again what else would i do except sit around and think, hmm i wish i was at prom.... so i dont' know what to do. i think i will just wait until then to see if i should go. i have a really great dress to wear. the whole thing is messed up. i hired the DJ and i thought of the theme, and made the decorations, but in the end i'm not going to be able to see the whole thing put together. and my family was counting on me being there and my grandma is going to think there is something wrong with me and tell everyone she knows that poor katie couldn't find a prom date. oh well, i feel like it's out of my hands because i don't want to upset anyone, either way, with the options i have, that can't happen theres a lot of negative stuff being thrown at me lately, from a lot of different people. and lately i've just come to accept it and believe what they say about me. how much they think i'm worth. i always think about those people that have really high self esteem, people i admire and i wonder where they got it, how do you build up your character like that? cause lately my self worth is barely exsisting. all these floating thoughts needed to get out of my head before i sat down to study tonight, even though i doubt much of that will get done either. i've been really depressed lately, that kind of calm depression where you really dont' care one way or the other, very numb and i can't feel much remorse about things i should be feeling bad about. maybe it was the letter kurt wrote me today, letting me know how fabulous his life is without me and all the GREAT people he knows, how this summer is goign to be so terrible because he has to be away from it all. kurt can lick it, i'm sorry that relationship went on as long as it did. it's such a pathetic situation where no one can be strong enough to fix something so broken. i miss david, i miss kyle, i definatly miss brandon, i miss having that planned out life. life is on pause right now, there isnt anywhere to go or anything to get excited about. so being patient would help. Current Mood: sad

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May 1st, 2005

07:13 pm - It's May day this weekend was great and disasterous all in the same time. got together with this really old friend i kinda grew up with who is a lot older than me at this party and he was very easy to talk to and since i had no ride home from bloomington because my ride left me we went home together. i knew it was stupid because it would be one of those things where the next day he's like you're cute, but to young. we're suppost to hang out this summer but that doesn't sound to promising who knows though life is crazy. i always do that, i'll get interested in someone totally out of reach and i know it can't work because they are to much older. he's going to be 21 in two weeks. oh well. and the next day that is exactly what happend. "sweet heart you need to call me when you turn 18". well... at least i'm realistic about it. frustrating as it comes though. he actually sometimes goes to my church and that's how we got to talking, kinda ironic. Current Mood: frustrated

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April 28th, 2005

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April 27th, 2005

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April 26th, 2005

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April 25th, 2005

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April 5th, 2005

06:57 pm - SHOW TIME WAS THE BEST    this year was the best year yet and i'm already excited about next year with mr. shaffer, i'm sure he has some wild stuff planned and i'm so happy about how everything went, hope everyone that was there as had much of an awesome time as i did!!!! Current Mood: excited

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